Over the past month, I’ve had this weird strange desire to write in a journal. When I first started having thoughts about writing in a journal, I laughed because I thought that there’s no way I even have time to do that. I barely make it through the day feeling like I have any free time to even consider using it to journal. As I thought about why I would need to be writing in a journal, I laughed because I can remember things just fine… for a week, sometimes a day. And then I realized, “Oh wait, some details do get a little fuzzy. Maybe I don’t remember as well as I thought I did.” That is not something I really wanted to come to grips with because of the fact that I haven’t been good at writing in a journal since my freshman year of high school. I’ve missed out on a lot moments, memories, and lessons learned that I desperately wish I had written down. After coming to the decision that I wanted to start in a new journal and getting myself going on it, I headed to TJ Maxx and picked out a pretty one, because if it’s pretty, that will totally help me want to journal, right?! TJ Maxx actually had a ton of different options- some had good quotes on the front, some felt really nice, but then I saw mine and it just felt like me. The cover is the ocean, in soft tones of blues and whites.

So I bought the journal with a smile on my face, excited to start writing, until I got home. The journal sat on my desk for a few days, staring at me with empty pages. Guilt started to settle in on me because I knew that I wouldn’t write in it. But why?! Why couldn’t I bring myself to write in it?! As I thought about that, I talked with Logan about how I was so worried about having the perfect journal, devoid of scribbled out words from using poor grammar or spelling something wrong, written in with my prettiest handwriting filled with the perfect stories and memories to make my life look perfect. It needed to be perfect. That moment hit me hard. I was waiting to be able to write until I was sure my life was perfect so I could write a perfect journal But life isn’t perfect, it’s life and this is where we learn and grow. If I was waiting for a perfect day to start my journal, it would have never started. In the past week as I have been journaling, I have found that the imperfect days are WAY easier to write about than the seemingly, boring, “pretty,” or perfect days.  The lessons I’ve learned each day  or the things I have come to know and understand about life need a place. My friend gave me some advice about journaling when she said, “If it isn’t written down, it didn’t happen.” So maybe today wasn’t the perfect day, but in those imperfect moments, I found something that makes me happy or makes me feel like me. Those are the things that I want to leave behind. I want to leave behind the traces of who I really am.

Yesterday, I was going through my box that my mom has kept all these photos and random snippets of things from my life. As I looked through photos of me as a baby clear up through my high school graduation, I laughed as I vaguely remembered what some of those pictures were of while others, I couldn’t really remember anything. Seeing these pictures instilled a greater desire to write things down because someday I’m going to have no idea why that night at Janie’s house (top right picture) at the end of our senior year was one of my favorite memories of senior year. Someday I’m not going to remember the way my dad’s curly hair looked after sliding down the alpine slide. Someday I’m not going to remember that yesterday my heart broke as I found a baby bird scared and stuck in a window-well and the personal lessons I applied to myself because of that situation. But if I write them down, in my imperfect journal, with my imperfect handwriting, I will be able to read about those moments and recall PERFECTLY those moments in my life that really mattered. The moments and days that were not perfect, but made my life perfect in the sense that they have shaped me into the person I am today.

If you want to start a journal, but aren’t sure what you are wanting to write about I’m working on a Pinterest board to help me when I’m struggling with what to write!