Today I’m opening my heart in a way that I haven’t here on this blog. I’m being vulnerable and finally sharing part of our little baby’s story that we haven’t really shared with too many people, but it’s been on my heart and mind so here I am being brave and opening my heart.
In the fall of 2014, Logan and I were living in Rexburg while we were up there for Logan to finish school. Logan was working at Olive Garden in Idaho Falls and I was working on our business. During the September, October, and November, I started to have some really serious pains in my stomach/ovary region. I am not one to go rushing to the doctor, so I waited and waited some more because I just thought it would go away on its own. One night in November as Logan was at work in Idaho Falls, I sat in Rexburg crying because I was in so much pain. I tried calling Logan, knowing he most likely wouldn’t be able to answer but I needed to talk to him about how much pain I was in. When I couldn’t get him, I called my mom. I was unsure if I needed to go to the hospital or what. I was able to get through that night without having to go to the hospital, but I called and set up an appointment with my OBGYN right away. The first appointment there, they drew blood, ran a couple other tests, and chatted with me about what had been going on. A follow-up appointment was scheduled for an ultrasound to be able to see if everything looked OK that way. Logan had school and wasn’t able to be with me at my second appointment, but I didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t a big deal… The ultrasound happened and then I met with the doctor to discuss the results. I remember it so clearly, I sat in the room waiting for her to come and as she sat down, she looked at me and said “you have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and it’s going to be really difficult for you to have children. Do you have any questions?” I’m not sure if my jaw dropped or not, but my head filled with so many emotions, thoughts, questions, and concerns right away. YES I have questions! What the heck is PCOS?! Why will it be difficult to get pregnant? What does this all mean?! PCOS means that you have cysts all over your ovaries. I was an odd case because, on the ultrasound, there actually were not any cysts but the thought was that they had recently ruptured and would be back. PCOS affects many women and all at varying stages and degrees. It can affect your ovulation, hormones, and a number of other things. Once all of my questions were answered and I walked quickly to the car, and immediately called Logan. And then the tears started falling. At that time, we were not trying to get pregnant. I was going in because of the pain, but we both knew that we wanted kids. We wanted to raise a family together.
The doctor put me on a birth control that was supposed to help women who have PCOS, but my body basically rejected it. I had all of the negative symptoms and stopped taking if after a couple of months. My brother asked another doctor about my different symptoms and everything going on with the PCOS stuff and he thought I had been misdiagnosed. It was then that I got a little more hopeful, but did not schedule an appointment with this other doctor. My body was going to figure things out on its own and I didn’t need to go see a doctor- the previous appointment had left me feeling a little weary of going back. Eventually, in October of 2015, Logan and I really wanted to know what was going on with my body to make sure that everything was going to work OK and we would be able to get pregnant. I scheduled an appointment with the doctor my brother had spoken with because we wanted that second opinion. I did the same tests as the first time, including the ultrasound. This time around, I was more prepared for whatever the doctor was going to say. He came in with all the results and told me that I have PCOS. It was clearly obvious in my ultrasound that my ovaries were both covered in cysts. Dr. Nick was so hopeful and optimistic about everything though, unlike the first doctor. He explained how there were many problems and symptoms of PCOS that I was not having, and he was very hopeful of my ability to get pregnant. The only thing that was left uncertain was if I was ovulating or not. He said that when you are ready to start trying to get pregnant, take ovulation tests every month to track it. I left that appointment with so much hope!
We started buying the boxes the ovulation kits, ready to see that my body was working and functioning the way it was supposed too, but month after month I wasn’t ovulating. I never ovulated from October 2015 to August of 2016. As time went on, we chose to really enjoy the time we had as just the two of us because we weren’t sure when our lives would be blessed with kids. We had to make a choice to not focus solely on this trial. We handed it over to the Lord and let it be. That doesn’t mean that it was easy, there were still tears, worries, and fears, but we truly chose to be happy amidst it all. We wanted to have adventures and create so many memories so that when children did come to us, in whatever way that would happen, we would be able to tell them about the fun things we did and the way it strengthened and added to our marriage and relationship.After the tests came back negative in August, we decided in October I would go in and start taking medicine that would help me ovulate. But that appointment was never scheduled because in September my body ovulated all on its own for the first time since I started tracking. Instead of scheduling an appointment for the medicine in October, we were scheduling an appointment with Dr. Nick because I was pregnant.
Over the course of those 2 years from first being diagnosed to getting pregnant, there were so many questions, doubts, and hard days. We have had so many people ask us about when we are going to have kids, people even questioned if we wanted kids. I was told that putting my business ahead of having kids was not what the Lord wanted for me. These people didn’t know what was going on our lives and the struggle we were having with this. There were so many tears shed and lots of prayers said about being able to get pregnant. We originally only told our immediate family and some close friends. We kept it very private for a long time because part of my didn’t want to admit that something was wrong with my body. I really had to work through that and those feelings on my own. I prayed for strength to overcome feelings of inadequacy and the ideas that came to my mind that I wouldn’t be a good mom. The power of prayer was so real and lifted me up out of those feelings and thoughts. As my prayers continued, I knew the Lord had a hand in it and that He was aware of our circumstances and He loved us.
This little baby boy has already changed our lives in so many ways. From the waiting we have done to be able to get pregnant, the feeling of having my heart expand with so much love already, the way my goals and perspective has shifted, he has changed my life for the better and I cannot wait to welcome him into our family and have him continue to change us. We know that the Lord truly had a hand in us getting pregnant with our little man and that His timing and His plan was so much better than any other timing or plan we could have ever made for ourselves. After we told our families we were pregnant, my sister in law sent me a picture of a new mom holding her baby with the caption being the scripture 1 Samuel 1:27 “For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him.” That has been something I have held so dear, because we know that the Lord heard our prayers and knew the desires of our hearts to begin a family. And He answered those prayers.
We wanted to let anyone know who is struggling with infertility, PCOS, or really any kind of trial, that the Lord does hear our prayers. That doesn’t mean that He always answers those prayers and desires right away, but His timing has a purpose that we may not be able to understand at this moment. We also wanted to let you know that if you feel like you are alone in this struggle, you are not!! While this was going on, I met so many women who opened up to me about also having PCOS and it gave me so much courage and strength just to know I wasn’t alone! Reach out to others and while you work through this struggle, seek ways to find happiness in your current situation!!
This pregnancy is a time and moment in our lives that I always want to remember and keep close to my heart. Our dear friend Meghan, took these incredible pictures for us in Utah and we couldn’t love them more!! We will cherish these pictures forever as this chapter of “just us” comes to a close and the new one of “beginning our family” begins.
Logan is so ready for this little baby to make his way into our lives.
Isn’t he so handsome?! I’m obsessed with this one!
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